'Tis a sunny morning! Though my throat is still sore and pains me, I believe that it is improving, and that is encouraging. For the first time in a long time, I'm blogging outside of my home (despite my intentions to do so since acquiring a more portable writing device)! My dear friend and writing/spiritual accountability partner invited me out for coffee, and I'm so happy to be on a writing date once again.
I can't say that I'm proud of myself for keeping up my daily writing, because I shy away from pride (too easily it becomes too much), but I am happy about it. I'm certainly far from disappointed in myself, and that's nice.
I went to work last night after having called out twice for being sick. I was happy to be getting back into my routine, but nervous about feeling infirm at work. That always makes me feel trapped and helpless, and then a sliver of panic/anxiety slides in, and depending on my emotional resistance, turns into a downward spiral into how I can't get my life together and I'm pathetic.
That kind of happened last night, and I was able to get a sympathetic coworker to cover for me so I could go out to my car and call my mom/completely fall apart. My mom is amazing and she talked me through everything that I had been bottling up inside. I had promised myself while walking out to my car that I would be honest about my feelings instead of sugarcoating my breakdown they way I normally do because I feel bad about breaking down. And I was honest. And I let it all out. My parents were sympathetic and comforting but firm and not pandering. The way they always are, because they're wonderful. And then I felt better, and the rest of my shift was better.
Basically, I just needed to breathe and unravel the knotted up perception of everything happening in my life, both personally and peripherally. That's what happens in my mind when I get overwhelmed. Upcoming events, obligations, items of worry are all along a line of string that gets twisted and twisted until it becomes all knotted up, and that's not fair - to me or to the things.
I forget to take things one at a time when my mind tries to process everything at once, and it's frustrating to do things one at a time when my brain refuses to think that way.
Also I'm simultaneously having a ridiculously complex and fantastic conversation with my friend and this blog post needs a period.
It's been sunny lately, but today it seems more so.
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