A Declaration and...then what?

I started this blog with the intention of full self-disclosure. I intended to vent about things in my life that cause unpleasant feelings, those feelings, my reactions to those feelings, and people's reactions to my reactions; with the hopes of both helping to cycle the feelings out through the act of expression and to chronicle possible patterns that might help to identify triggers.

I wanted to be able to write about things in the moment, while I was feeling a certain way, and then go back and read it over after the feelings pass.

They do pass. It's something I constantly have to tell myself. The feelings do pass.

Today I got caught up reading articles with tips on how to do things. It began because I had googled "how to be a good girlfriend without being a doormat." Pretty soon, I was reading articles on how to be more likable and approachable and how to better enjoy life. I read A LOT of these things today. My biggest takeaway from the experience? One key element throughout all of this advice was honesty - something in which I deeply believe.

I'm not always honest with myself, though. 

I recently finally began seeing a counselor. One of the goals that I set for my counseling was an end to, or at least a decrease in negative self-talk. I'm very hard on myself. I'm extremely mean to myself. If I said some of the things I say to myself, to another human being, I'd be considered psychotically mean.

In this blog, I vented about things in the moment. I was focused on emotional survival, doing what I can to make it to the next day. I feel that, at this point, I've been emotionally surviving enough to take things to the next step; emotionally living.

I don't want to just survive anymore. I want to live - and I mean that concerning my whole life, as well; not just my emotional state.

I lie to myself constantly about what I can and cannot do. It's the worst emotionally abusive relationship imaginable, because I can't leave me. I can't break up with me. I can't cut me out of my life. I have to be the one to change - to like myself and then be nice to myself. 

I think the first step in liking myself enough to be nice to myself is to first be completely honest with myself.

The following is an admission by me with my usual inner dialogue.

Me: I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Dismissive Inner Voice: Why? Your life is great! You have a college degree. You have a working car. You have a job that pays well enough and offers enough job security for you to support yourself. You have your own apartment. You have a boyfriend who constantly tells you that he loves you. You have parents who love you and help you whenever you need it. You have friends who care about you.

Me: I'm not anywhere close to having my student loans paid off. I have a car payment I didn't have before. My job doesn't pay nearly as well as my last one, I don't feel nearly as stimulated by it, and I don't have any friends at this job; nor is there potential for any, since it's such a small company. My apartment is owned by and above my boyfriend's brother, an entanglement I was trying to avoid. My boyfriend doesn't validate me the way I need him to, he makes me feel insecure and inadequate, and he behaves selfishly. My parents' love has caused me to feel constant guilt for not the daughter they deserve, and they are geographically not as close as I would like. (even just typing all of this out is giving me a lump in my throat) My "friends" are not nearly as active in my life as they used to be and as I need them to be.

Dismissive Inner Voice: It's more than a lot of people may have.

Mean Inner Voice: You're stupid for not having handled things in your life better. It's your own fault that things are the way they are.

That was extremely gently for the way my mind works.
I was honest with myself. Now what? Well, life is not just a road you walk down, as most people would have you believe. Life is more like a treadmill in that, you have no choice but to keep moving. I have to keep moving forward. I need to stop lying to myself, and then I need to stop beating myself up about the truth.
So? I hate my life right now. So? I'll work to improve it at the same time I'm improving how I treat myself.

Those Stupid Feelings...

Here it is, Friday. I've made it through this week of downs. I've worked hard to dodge the pitfalls of negative thinking and to pull myself out of the pitfalls of negative thinking that I did fall into. This weekend has already hurt my feelings a lot, but I will turn it around.

Tomorrow, there is a concert happening for which I bought two tickets. A local band I enjoy and whose singer I have befriended landed a spot opening up for a couple of higher profile bands. When I learned of this, I immediately purchased two tickets, intending to go with my boyfriend, who also enjoys these bands.
Unfortunately, it turns out that the concert is on the same day as Boyfriend's cousin's wedding. Also, he was invited to his cousin's wedding, but there was no guest spot. That's right. I can't go to a wedding with my boyfriend of over a year. Hey, weddings are expensive and I understand that. I can understand wanting to have a smallish wedding and trimming the fat by just inviting cousins instead of cousins and all their girlfriends/boyfriends/FWB/1NS/awkward first dates/what have you. I can understand that. It's a lot less mouths to feed and that counts when dealing with event catering.
I can understand this practical decision until the cows come home, but my feelings are still deeply hurt that I won't be able to enjoy the celebrating with my boyfriend. He rarely dresses up and dances, and I won't be able to be there this on this occasion.
To make things worse, I now have to find someone to accompany me to this concert. I have been asking people for weeks and to no avail. I have no problem going by myself, but I really hate driving home, late at night for over forty-five minutes. When I get tired, I can't stop myself from falling asleep, and I've fallen asleep at the wheel in the past. It's terrifying and wildly unsafe.

Not only do I have no friends to accompany me to this concert, a fact which is strongly swaying me not to attend, but my boyfriend is going to a wedding without me. Aaaaaand those things hurt a lot. I'm trying to let the hurt go. I'm trying to let it pass over me, because I can't change the situation, but THESE STUPID FEELINGS KEEP HURTING MY INSIDES. I've felt on the brink of tears pretty much constantly all this week.

I don't think he'll even miss me at the wedding. He'll be able to have fun without me, because he's a normal person. I wish I was a normal person. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I could make this stupid feeling of hurting go away.

Hey, I signed up for Meetup. There's a writer thing happening tomorrow morning that I could easily attend. Will I do it? I might. I'm also looking for a local band who needs a singer. I've taken singing lessons, I have a decent voice, and I've wanted to be in a band for a long time. I'm going to tape an audition video and start practicing. This could be one of those crazy inspired ideas I have that will fizzle out because I immediately start in on myself about how much I suck. I'm trying hard not to do that. It's difficult. I've literally been hating myself and hating on myself my entire life.

I'm slowly rebuilding the semblance of having my own life, but I would like to feel important to someone's life.
I. AM. PATHETIC. THIS IS ALL VERY PATHETIC.

Is wanting to just curl up and die a suicidal ideation? Spell correct seems to think that ideation isn't a word, but I've read it in several published psychological articles.

Forever Clouds

This morning was better than yesterday morning. I didn't cry inconsolably and I didn't want to die. However, instead of immediately feeling horrible, I was first lulled into the tease of a feeling of zen, only to have anxious thoughts and feelings creep upon me as the morning progressed. I'm doing my best not to let the feelings grab me and get a foothold, but it's difficult. The weather doesn't help. It seems like it's been cloudy and overcast forever and the sun will never come back out.

Yesterday I did some reading on ASAD (adult separation anxiety disorder) because I have suspected for some time that I struggle with this, and have for a long time. One of the most prominent memories of my childhood is crippling fear...of nothing. I would feel fear all the time for absolutely no reason. With retrospection, I now realize what I was feeling was generalized anxiety. On top of these moments, I felt like the world was ending if my mom wasn't home. For a short time, she was a stay at home mom and me and my brother's entire world. Our dad worked a lot. He was gone in the morning before we woke up and wasn't home until after we were in bed. We didn't have extended family close by.
I'm going to skip the Freudian trail of why I felt the way I did. The bottom line is that I now believe that I experienced very intense separation anxiety from my mother as a child (seemingly selective since I mostly loved going to school and slumber parties and I generally socialized quite well).
This retro-quasi-diagnosis is frustrating because of the inconsistent nature of these feelings.

Fast-forward years later, and I seem to have formed a similar type of overly dependent attachment to some boyfriends. I realized this feeling in a relationship or two in my past and pulled myself away from the feeling, detaching myself. I didn't want to feel like I needed to have my boyfriend around to feel normal and not anxious. I didn't want to be clingy. I wanted to be able to enjoy my time with him; live in the moment, without just surviving until a time when we would be living together and he would just be there all the time. That's insane...but...that's how I felt. It was terrifying, frustrating, and it hurt other parts of my life.

I thought that I had strengthened myself against this danger. I had worked on my self-esteem and self-worth. I had worked on my hobbies. I had invested more time and effort in my friendships. I spent more time outside of my home. I set boundaries for myself which would prevent this overly-attached behavior.
I was apparently wrong to think that this struggle was behind me.

My boyfriend, my wonderful boyfriend, might be the latest subject of an unhealthy attachment. In a lot of ways, this relationship is new territory for me. It is a good, respectful, trusting, and generally healthy relationship. We have a lot in common, but we also have plenty of differences. We enjoy deep conversations and we both laugh at stupid things. We both enjoy physical affection (we're always touching in some way). In the past, I may have had the physical affection I wanted but without a good emotional and intellectual connection or vice versa, or I've had a bit of both without the quirky, dry sense of humor I prefer. This relationship covers all these bases. Why, then, have I become consumed with insecurity?
Am I waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me? We've spent a lot of time together. We've been together now for well over a year. It's not my longest relationship, but our time spent together combined is now well beyond my longest relationship. Having never spent so much time with a boyfriend without becoming bored of or annoyed by him, I suspect that means we have a good connection.

It's almost like can't get enough of him. It's terrifying to me how much I love and admire him. I often find myself wondering if I should end things because I can't seem to reconcile my feelings with logic.
All this week I have felt deeply depressed and even physically ill, almost like I'm going through withdrawal.
I know this also has to do with the weather. It's been overcast and cold for a couple weeks. I need warmth and sunlight.

My struggles are like these clouds, forever blocking the sunlight of a beautiful life.

Another Day

This morning started with completely hopeless sadness. All I could do was cry.

What is wrong with me??? What am I so afraid of??? Why do I feel so empty???

I cried as I forced myself out of bed and into the shower. I cried in the shower. I dreaded the constant distracted switch between inspired and boredom at work. I dreaded the heavy barrage of ideas that I would have throughout the day, only to do none of those things once I finally get home. I dreaded coming home to the mess of my apartment.

I dread coming home to no one but my cat.

I dread missing everyone in my life and feeling guilty for being so far from everyone in my life. I've been feeling like I want to just die. I'm so useless and I contribute so little. I'm just a drain on everyone around me. All I do is feel guilty about the things I've done, the things I haven't done, and who I'm not. I feel guilty about being me and not being someone else. Why??? This guilt is killing me.

Why can't I just accept and love who I am???

I love my boyfriend. I love being with him. I hate how small he makes me feel. No, that's not fair. He doesn't MAKE me feel small. That verbiage implies that this not only comes from him, but that he intends it. That's inaccurate and unfair. The feeling comes from me. I feel small because of how I feel about him. This may sound cynical, but at times it seems he is surrounded by worshiping sycophants. It's more than a little unnerving just how much people love him. Am I jealous? Honestly? Not really. I generally don't care about what people think of me, unless they mean something to me or someone I love. It's unnerving because it constantly drives home the fact that I don't deserve him and I have no idea why he even wants me. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not thin enough. My boobs aren't big enough. I'm not cool enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not warm and friendly enough. I'm not witty enough. All of these things, all of these criticisms course through me like the searing burning of a high fever every time I'm around him and his friends. THAT'S NOT NORMAL OR EVEN CLOSE TO OK.
I fear not being enough for him. I fear not being good enough to keep him wanting to be with me. I fear not being enough to inspire him.
I've beat myself up over things all my life, but I find that I've been doing it, like a thousand times more and worse since I've been with him - because I feel unworthy.

We went to a college graduation the other day - a mutual friend was getting her degree. One of the speakers was a woman receiving an honorary degree; a Dr. Rabbi Rebecca Dubowe. She's the first deaf woman to become a rabbi in this country. She was an amazing speaker, despite being deaf. Having read in the program that she was deaf, I anticipated the slightly muffled and odd speaking which is typical of the deaf. Rather than feeling slightly embarrassed for her, however, I found her "accent" endearing and even inspiring. The speech itself was also deeply inspiring. Probably my favorite part was her saying, "You are good enough." Hearing her say that, as simple a statement as it was, felt good. I've been trying to say that to myself.

I wish I could banish these thoughts that I'm a piece of crap who doesn't deserve anything. These thoughts not only haunt me in quiet moments, but they are now seeping into my happy moments, tainting the happiness and dragging me down into my dark abyss no matter where I am or who I'm with.

It's occurred to me that I wouldn't feel so useless if I did some volunteer work. I've been researching opportunities near me, but there's still the issue of anxiety, ADHD, and my seeming inability to follow through on commitments. I should clarify that I don't have an INABILITY to follow through. I make a choice to cancel on plans. Usually the impending event causes anxiety that I can only really quell by cancelling and staying home.

This is another day, a day I wish I didn't begin by immediately regretting waking up. I wish that I could cherish life instead of ruing it. I wish I could just flip  a switch in my head and stop feeling infinitely sorrowful.

Today.

Today is a new day.

The sun is out. It's not freezing. It even smells like Spring now.

My spirits should be lifting and I should be feeling like I've come back to myself.

Instead, I'm blogging while at work, avoiding my work because words are coming to me and they haven't done that in a long time. I find myself in a dangerous mindset at work. I'm disappointed in myself for a lot of things and that disappointment is leading into hopeless self-doubt and now I'm starting to make mistakes I didn't make before. It's a good job, but it's boring. The boredom is dangerous for me.

I finally went to a psychiatrist and got that ADHD diagnosis. Big whoop. I've known that's what my problem was since the last couple years of college. Now that I'm in my late twenties, though, it's gotten more difficult to reign in. Why? I have no direction in my life. It's not that I don't have things I want to do. It's actually the opposite. I have too many things that I want to do. It's overwhelming.

The main thing, though, the MAIN THING I want? A clean, organized, cozy, safe haven home. Instead? All the dust. Cat litter tracked everywhere. Stuff everywhere. Clothes all over the place. ALL THE THINGS. I have so much resistance to get motivated to clean and maintain the cleanliness. WHY?? More often than not, I find it challenging to do ANYTHING, including reading a book or playing a freaking video game. It takes everything just to get up and go to work every day. Not to mention, I hate living by myself and I can't stand the quiet of having no one there most of the time.

I've become something I feared. I've lost a chunk of myself. I've lost my joy. I've lost my hope. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into depression and anxiety and it's terrifying. No matter how emotionally paralyzed I felt in my life, I never used to even entertain the consideration of suicide. Now? Lately, all I seem to think about is how I would like to just stop existing.

I got a job. I got my own place. Why can't my head and emotions just be good now?

I should turn to God, right? I should put my faith and trust in Him, right? I still believe He exists. I still believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I haven't really prayed in a long time, and when I really think about it, I'm not sure I ever even really had a deep, meditative prayer. Why not? Mainly because I could never clear my head enough to meditate.

It's taking everything I can muster not to be a total basket case and drive away my boyfriend.

Today is a new day, but yesterday isn't finished with me.