I'm feeling very grateful this evening.
I'm grateful for my job, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and my situation. This feeling is a stark contrast to my emotions about a week ago. I can at least mostly attribute those to an especially severe episode of PMS. As usual, that is both a relief and terrifying. It's a relief to know what it is and to be able to somewhat predict its intrusion. It's terrifying that I am vulnerable to this every month. Unfortunately I'm usually unable to logically identify that my feelings are being caused by chemical turbulence while I'm in the the throes of the worst of it and must instead rely on my own dogged stubbornness to get me through it.
Why is it that stubbornness would get me through it?
Why must I be stubborn? What must I keep from quitting?
...
Life. I must keep from quitting life.
In the worst of my lows, PMS-caused or otherwise, everything about life seems an overwhelming struggle and I seem hopelessly inadequate to the task. I have never considered this to term me as, "suicidal." I have never seriously considered killing myself. That is a threshold I hope never to cross; mostly because as with other psychological thresholds, once crossed the barrier virtually disappears and it its place remains just a memory of what it was to fear the thing. I have crossed such thresholds.
I have only half-wished to cease existing. Though it sounds mild in comparison to actual suicidal ideations, the half-wishes are always wrought with astounding pain.
I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone, and I don't want to miss out on something down the road. When I'm feeling like this, I can forgive myself and hope/work for progress.
