At my heart, I am a doer. However, that is buried beneath a myriad of paralytic obstacles.
I have recently discovered the term, "executive dysfunction." Essentially, this is the brain working against itself to initiate implementation of a task. You want to do a thing, but your brain won't let you. This is a known issue for ADD and ADHD sufferers, but the struggle is not exclusive to them. It has to do with the wiring of the brain, and if there has been emotional trauma or physical trauma to the brain, executive dysfunction can occur.
I also recently discovered the term, "neurotypical," as my work is with an autistic population. I love this term. Instead of having to differentiate an individual on the spectrum, you can go the other way. The opposite term, "neurodiverse," doesn't even have to specifically indicate autism; it's a general term. How freeing! Imagine how different conversations could be, if, instead of identifying specific disorders to describe an individual (or explain some behaviors), this term could cover it all.
Ultimately, you don't owe anyone an explanation, but if you want to offer a succinct exposition bridging the gap of your struggles with a lack of them, describing yourself as "neurodiverse," could be the perfect compromise between allowing incorrect assumptions and providing your entire medical history.
Back to me. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, major depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I don't like talking about these things. It's not that I'm embarrassed by it; it's just that I try to stay positive and I'd rather discuss the things that are "right," with me than "wrong," with me. Learning about executive dysfunction and how it's intertwined with these struggles is both encouraging and disheartening. It's encouraging to know that I am not truly a lazy person, but it is disheartening to learn that it will be with me for the rest of my life and all I can do is learn how to work around or through it using a combination of therapy, medication, and practice.
Because I desire to do many things but I have always had this inner obstacle, many negative beliefs about myself were hammered into me, and now I have those to overcome, as well. It's been nearly impossible to get anything accomplished without a lot of shaming and negative self-talk along the way, and because this has been a pattern for such a long time, it's more comforting to beat myself down than build myself up. The fear that if I believe, truly believe, good things about me, then everything will be revealed to be a lie, utterly humiliating and devastating me, is very strong. Many things need to be unpacked and dealt with in order to combat this fear, but knowledge and awareness are half the battle, and I am fighting.
A new weapon in my fight is this term, "neurodiverse." If I think of myself as neurodiverse, I don't feel disappointed, ashamed, or defective. I honestly just feel like I have different processes and a different perspective - which I already did. Thus, some of my mountains became molehills.
Whether I do the things or don't do the things, I am still worthy of respect.
