My emotions have been getting an intensive workout the past three months, and I'm writing this to help categorize what emotions are coming from events in my life, my chronic depression, or my ADHD and resulting emotional dis-regulation.
I finally broke up with my boyfriend, an action over which I have been oscillating agonizingly for far too long. It was a difficult series of conversations, but we both handled it with grace and have been able to retain a friendship. This is helpful considering we must live together until I find a new place or the lease ends in February, whichever comes first.
I pushed myself to become comfortable with getting back into dating rather soon; for two reasons. First, I was having difficulty getting back into shape/getting healthy and I knew the idea of meeting someone new would light a fire under me. Second, I needed something exciting in my life while I improved on the things which wore on me, such as my living situation.
Because I had been unhappy for so long with my now ex, I had already moved on. This was a large part of the trapped feeling I had. I was over it. It was dead. Not fully facing and acknowledging it was hurting me. That said, I did grieve for the relationship after the official breakup, but it did not last very long - maybe a day. I was just happy to be free from it. I was therefore not wary of falling into the pitfall of leaping immediately from one long-term committed relationship right into another, as people do. I wanted to get into dating, yes, but mostly to get the rusty gears going, and enjoy my freedom.
I reconnected with someone I had met a couple years ago, and he immediately asked me out. We have been seeing each other for almost two months and despite having initiated the connection in more ways than one, he keeps me at arms length and claims to be guarded because of past experiences. This kind of thing is always frustrating to me, but it might be just as well, as his hesitation gives me opportunity to continue to enjoy my freedom.
I do, however, have the (perhaps unfortunate tendency) to fall hard and fast for someone who inspires me on a creative level, and he is intensely inspiring to me. Thus I experience a ridiculous high when he talk, when I know that we will meet up, when we are together, and subsequently experience a dramatic crash afterwards. The high and low is crazy, and it's honestly something I haven't felt in a long, long time and thought never to feel again after the end of my teen years. It's been inspiring in and of itself just to know that I have not aged past such intense feelings. I have considered that such feelings, while not toxic by themselves, could lead to toxicity. Fortunately, such intensity is not sustainable, especially when it is one-sided. It burns itself out. Thanks to caution, introspection, retrospection, and many tears, I believe that I am on the other side of this. I won't know for sure until I see him again, and frankly I'm not looking forward to it. Those whole connection feels like the delicate balance of a tightrope; too much slack and it doesn't support its reason for existence, too much tension and it will snap both becoming of no use and even possibly harming people.
I have been attempting to "date around," and to that end I had gotten onto a dating app. Through it I struck up conversation with about a dozen men, four of which I progressed to giving my phone number for texting. I met up with two of those. I will be going on a second date with one of those. My date with him helped to disperse the cloud of euphoria surrounding my first connection. It brought be back to earth. Thank goodness.
Onto the frustration of finding a new home. It is high time for me to once again live by myself. However, the area in which I find myself is naturally a bit expensive and this current market makes things doubly difficult. It has therefore been incredibly difficult to find something.
The dual frustration of a confusing romantic situation and not being able to find a new apartment is serving to saturate me in melancholy. It's been difficult to maintain the sharp focus to better myself and my life that I had been enjoying up until this point.
It's been a whirlwind. I went on a stark diet and worked out mercilessly, losing about twenty pounds in a couple months. I went on dates for the first time in over six years. I feel physically healthy and generally hopeful. Now I just have to adjust my coping to accommodate my more fluid life. That's been good for me, too. Being so stuck in the mud made me miserable and now I'm living life.
Life is pain, though. Life is beauty and pain. The more you get of one, the more you get of the other.
I'm still very grateful for what I have and for what said confusing situations are affording me. Feelings are still feelings. Not being numb and jaded is a gift in and of itself. I am blessed.
