I guess I should come out and express my feelings to people in the best way that I can, which is through written word. I dislike when things are unsaid and misunderstood. When there is silence, people tend to fill the void with their own perceived understandings. We call these assumptions. Assumptions are dangerous.
It's Monday, and I'm at work. I'm allowing myself to be distracted by this because some good words are flowing and I'm feeling inspired. I'm feeling inspired to be direct and honest with people enough to allow me to let go of negative associations which impede me.
I want to hold on to this inspiration and this hope. I usually lose it when I get home to the many unfinished things. I need to end the cycle of self-sabotage with true action.
It's now Thursday. I find that this new attitude I've adopted, while exhausting to practice and maintain (feeling like walking a tightrope), is generally uplifting me. I guess this is mindfulness. Negative thoughts and feelings are still present, but when they come to the forefront of my consciousness, I don't subscribe to them. I stay strong. I intend to maintain this anti-negativity. Though this inspiration is even making me a bit giddy (which is usually alarming because as soon as I lose focus I fall into a low), I believe that I can re-pattern my thinking.
I've been able to push through and do some things at home to make it feel more like a home.
Part of refusing to subscribe to negative thoughts is letting go of prideful reactions. Becoming mindful of these and being able to subsequently let them go is quite freeing. I am, of course, still very early in this journey, and I cannot speak for the future, but I can work and hope.
The tricky part is the work. It takes focus to keep the effort up, and it takes effort to focus. I feel very much that the positive thinking is eventually self-sustaining, thus it won't always take so much effort or be so exhausting.
It's now Monday again. This weekend has been a trial of my new goal. I fell off the tightrope a few times, but I was able to hold on enough to re-balance. We'll see how this goes.
