Busy day yesterday (day shift and then a party immediately following that).
Troubled morning today and now I must go to work. I have the day shift tomorrow, so hopefully I will be able to write afterwards, unless they ask me to stay for the 2nd shift, in which I case I will stay and then I will write when I get home at midnight.
This morning had some light cool rain, which smelled heavenly. I am grateful for this.
I faced the old familiar wave of doubt, inadequacy issues, and my constant struggle with envy. I look forward to more positive thinking and more reflective and explanatory writing.
At least I still did this.
Sunday, September 9, 2018
Friday, September 7, 2018
Day 4 - The Pushback
I woke up to my stomach hurting and a need to rush to the bathroom. This is not terribly abnormal, as digestive issues are a semi-regular part of my life (I do what I can to identify patterns in my diet and avoid things accordingly, but ultimately I will have diarrhea every once in a while regardless).
Afterwards, I was feeling tender and shaky - again, this is not terribly strange, but I did decide against immediately going to the gym because of the incident.
I finally called my insurance company to beg help. I had been researching psychiatrists via their network providers registry and every time I tried to connect with someone from that registry, their office would say that they didn't accept my insurance. Something's wrong there. So my insurance said that they would do some digging and let me know. That's a step forward, but help is still so far away.
Generally, my shortcomings are beating me up.
Today is a hard day. It's a crying day. It's a hopeless day. It's an everything is terrible and nothing I do is good enough and I'm not worth anything day. I've done a lot of crying, and I'm looking forward to work even less than I usually do. I don't know how I'm going to get through work, but it doesn't matter because I have to go no matter what.
My stomach is still bothering me. I just want to curl up and be away from the world. I can now honestly say that I don't like this job. I've sifted through the variables, and this job is terrible. There are some rewarding moments and features, but the downside and the constant issues unfortunately outweigh anything good. There's a large, ugly, red scratch on my face aptly demonstrating this.
That's it for today.
Afterwards, I was feeling tender and shaky - again, this is not terribly strange, but I did decide against immediately going to the gym because of the incident.
I finally called my insurance company to beg help. I had been researching psychiatrists via their network providers registry and every time I tried to connect with someone from that registry, their office would say that they didn't accept my insurance. Something's wrong there. So my insurance said that they would do some digging and let me know. That's a step forward, but help is still so far away.
Generally, my shortcomings are beating me up.
Today is a hard day. It's a crying day. It's a hopeless day. It's an everything is terrible and nothing I do is good enough and I'm not worth anything day. I've done a lot of crying, and I'm looking forward to work even less than I usually do. I don't know how I'm going to get through work, but it doesn't matter because I have to go no matter what.
My stomach is still bothering me. I just want to curl up and be away from the world. I can now honestly say that I don't like this job. I've sifted through the variables, and this job is terrible. There are some rewarding moments and features, but the downside and the constant issues unfortunately outweigh anything good. There's a large, ugly, red scratch on my face aptly demonstrating this.
That's it for today.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Day 3
I am feeling a slump in this already. It may be the usual morning feeling of discouragement, but it probably has more to do with the fact that this is my day off, and so things will be even more unstructured.
Now I am facing inner resistance to even writing this, but I'm not letting that win.
Between being frustrated at myself for falling asleep last night before performing my bedtime routine of removing my contact lenses, taking a vitamin supplement, brushing my teeth, washing my face, and applying moisturizer, and waking up later than I wanted to, I was immediately frustrated and found myself in a particularly heavy quagmire of whatever it is that I always seem to have to push through to do anything.
After a late breakfast, it was almost noon and I hadn't even changed out of my pajamas. Physically, I did not feel well, but generally that's how I normally feel in the morning. That's one of my daily obstacles. I suspect that it has to do with not getting enough exercise combined with not eating healthy enough. There's also the clinical depression element. I know that when I was on anti-depressants, it was far easier to wake up in the mornings and get going. I look forward to that once I can connect with a psychiatrist.
I allowed myself a nap, as I was stuck. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to put on gym clothes, go work out, then get home, shower, and tackle my to-do list, OR take a shower, tackle my to-do list, and possibly accomplish more with the extra hour or so that I would save by skipping the gym. The later in the day it got, the more frustrated and stuck I became, so I curled up and took a nap. I wasn't happy about it, but I'm not big on naps, so I generally feel that if my body wants a nap then it's telling me that it needs more rest. I'm trying to listen to my body. It was about an hour and a half, after which I just gave in and went right to the shower.
Again, I was not thrilled about skipping the gym, but I didn't beat myself up about it. I still consider this to be progress.
Though I finally got myself into the shower and dressed, ready for the day, and I was still slow to get to my list.
Ultimately, I accomplished a few things, but not everything. That is par for the course.
Positives for today are the following:
Now I am facing inner resistance to even writing this, but I'm not letting that win.
Between being frustrated at myself for falling asleep last night before performing my bedtime routine of removing my contact lenses, taking a vitamin supplement, brushing my teeth, washing my face, and applying moisturizer, and waking up later than I wanted to, I was immediately frustrated and found myself in a particularly heavy quagmire of whatever it is that I always seem to have to push through to do anything.
After a late breakfast, it was almost noon and I hadn't even changed out of my pajamas. Physically, I did not feel well, but generally that's how I normally feel in the morning. That's one of my daily obstacles. I suspect that it has to do with not getting enough exercise combined with not eating healthy enough. There's also the clinical depression element. I know that when I was on anti-depressants, it was far easier to wake up in the mornings and get going. I look forward to that once I can connect with a psychiatrist.
I allowed myself a nap, as I was stuck. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to put on gym clothes, go work out, then get home, shower, and tackle my to-do list, OR take a shower, tackle my to-do list, and possibly accomplish more with the extra hour or so that I would save by skipping the gym. The later in the day it got, the more frustrated and stuck I became, so I curled up and took a nap. I wasn't happy about it, but I'm not big on naps, so I generally feel that if my body wants a nap then it's telling me that it needs more rest. I'm trying to listen to my body. It was about an hour and a half, after which I just gave in and went right to the shower.
Again, I was not thrilled about skipping the gym, but I didn't beat myself up about it. I still consider this to be progress.
Though I finally got myself into the shower and dressed, ready for the day, and I was still slow to get to my list.
Ultimately, I accomplished a few things, but not everything. That is par for the course.
Positives for today are the following:
- I didn't slip into a negative mind frame and negative self-talk.
- I got a shower and got dressed (for a day off when I didn't need to go anywhere, this is a positive).
- I accomplished a few tasks that I set out to accomplish.
- I was able to smile at somethings and appreciate things.
Today, I also received in the mail an early birthday gift from a friend to whom I had confided that I sadly would probably not have a celebration this year, though I will be thirty and I had hoped to throw a big party. The gift was a CD that I enjoy very much. That was a huge boost.
While I was out, I witnessed the late twilight transition into a cloudy night, and the clouds turned dark in the distance as a storm gathered. It was beautiful, and then there were beautiful strands of lightning. These things hold me in the moment.
In this journey of living each day mindfully to push against the present habit of employing unhealthy short term measures to survive through foggy and agonizing weeks, I am hopeful.
That's it for today's reflection.
Thanks for reading an admittedly dry entry in this blog. I hope this served to encourage you, if only just a little.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Day 2 of this Ongoingness
This is day 2 of my personal journey of fighting back, standing up to my bullying struggles, and I had a fallback.
I didn't go to the gym this morning. I woke up later than I wanted to, and I was feeling headachey, which are two things that slow me down - a dual dosage of disappointment and defeat. I didn't intend the alliteration there, but it's done, and it was entertaining. I'll take it.
I prayed my daily prayer for strength and wisdom, and even as I thought the plea for help to keep this up, I accepted the idea that God might lead my day toward something that would aid His plan and it might not align with mine, and layered upon that acceptance was a prayer for the humility to align my goals with His desires. It was a multi-tiered prayer that took seconds.
I also didn't get the moderately healthy breakfast that I have been enjoying lately. These things threw off my already precarious "morning routine." I've always had difficulty getting going in the morning - actually it's generally been difficulty for me to get going doing anything. I don't know whether it's the ADHD, the anxiety, the depression, or what, but it's in the top five most frustrating things about me.
Anyway, I faced intense resistance to going to the gym today. I was faced with that same incredibly negative inner voice, and the memory of how difficult it was yesterday. I considered pushing forward, but work was trying last night and I suspected that it would be at least as trying tonight, if not worse, so I chose to preserve my emotional/psychological stamina, as it were.
Here's a question; does avoiding things actually preserve that stamina, or does it deplete it? The human body requires exercise to build up stamina; is the mind the same way? I suspect that it might be, and that in the short term, though it might feel better to avoid a difficult event to endure a more difficult event, in the long term my endurance will shrink and I will eventually not be able to function.
Please feel free to offer insight on this.
Normally, I would beat myself up over failing to live up to my own goals and mandate, but I let go. I set out to exercise and write every day, and I am still writing. Also, I would usually beat myself up about something like this so bad that I would sort of collapse in on myself and make it that much more difficult to accomplish anything else, but I chose to keep moving forward. It feels very good not to hate myself over this.
If this endeavor of mine can be likened to a war on two fronts, then I can say I have stalemated in a battle on one front, but on the other front I am advancing. Even this simple, "bare minimum" journaling is serving to build up my self esteem and - dare I say it? - joy.
Full self-disclosure time!
Writing has always been intimately and inexorably tied to my joy and basic ability to enjoy life. I never really had to "exercise" this skill when I was going through school because that always required writing essays and such, and through that conduit flowed enough inspiration to keep me writing plenty of my fantastical imaginings, and those things make my life worth it - as outlandish as that sounds. I didn't consider that this important outlet boosted my coping skills and sense of self.
After I graduated college, however, I no longer needed to write as much. I was writing cover letters for job applications here and there, but nothing as stimulating and exciting as before. My fiction writing suffered. I began to notice that I generally do better if I'm working on a project. However, journaling and any other writing about myself was usually overwhelming and/or would make me feel angry and embarrassed. That's why this blog is a win for me. It's forcing me to write, reflect, and get those juices flowing.
Though many things in me and my life can feel bad, this feels good.
This is my blog balm.
Thanks for reading, and I hope this served to encourage you in some way.
I didn't go to the gym this morning. I woke up later than I wanted to, and I was feeling headachey, which are two things that slow me down - a dual dosage of disappointment and defeat. I didn't intend the alliteration there, but it's done, and it was entertaining. I'll take it.
I prayed my daily prayer for strength and wisdom, and even as I thought the plea for help to keep this up, I accepted the idea that God might lead my day toward something that would aid His plan and it might not align with mine, and layered upon that acceptance was a prayer for the humility to align my goals with His desires. It was a multi-tiered prayer that took seconds.
I also didn't get the moderately healthy breakfast that I have been enjoying lately. These things threw off my already precarious "morning routine." I've always had difficulty getting going in the morning - actually it's generally been difficulty for me to get going doing anything. I don't know whether it's the ADHD, the anxiety, the depression, or what, but it's in the top five most frustrating things about me.
Anyway, I faced intense resistance to going to the gym today. I was faced with that same incredibly negative inner voice, and the memory of how difficult it was yesterday. I considered pushing forward, but work was trying last night and I suspected that it would be at least as trying tonight, if not worse, so I chose to preserve my emotional/psychological stamina, as it were.
Here's a question; does avoiding things actually preserve that stamina, or does it deplete it? The human body requires exercise to build up stamina; is the mind the same way? I suspect that it might be, and that in the short term, though it might feel better to avoid a difficult event to endure a more difficult event, in the long term my endurance will shrink and I will eventually not be able to function.
Please feel free to offer insight on this.
Normally, I would beat myself up over failing to live up to my own goals and mandate, but I let go. I set out to exercise and write every day, and I am still writing. Also, I would usually beat myself up about something like this so bad that I would sort of collapse in on myself and make it that much more difficult to accomplish anything else, but I chose to keep moving forward. It feels very good not to hate myself over this.
If this endeavor of mine can be likened to a war on two fronts, then I can say I have stalemated in a battle on one front, but on the other front I am advancing. Even this simple, "bare minimum" journaling is serving to build up my self esteem and - dare I say it? - joy.
Full self-disclosure time!
Writing has always been intimately and inexorably tied to my joy and basic ability to enjoy life. I never really had to "exercise" this skill when I was going through school because that always required writing essays and such, and through that conduit flowed enough inspiration to keep me writing plenty of my fantastical imaginings, and those things make my life worth it - as outlandish as that sounds. I didn't consider that this important outlet boosted my coping skills and sense of self.
After I graduated college, however, I no longer needed to write as much. I was writing cover letters for job applications here and there, but nothing as stimulating and exciting as before. My fiction writing suffered. I began to notice that I generally do better if I'm working on a project. However, journaling and any other writing about myself was usually overwhelming and/or would make me feel angry and embarrassed. That's why this blog is a win for me. It's forcing me to write, reflect, and get those juices flowing.
Though many things in me and my life can feel bad, this feels good.
This is my blog balm.
Thanks for reading, and I hope this served to encourage you in some way.
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Day 1 of the Groove
Here goes another attempt to keep myself positive and on track with self-care and the rest of the things in my life.
I went to the gym this morning for the first time in months. It was unpleasant even walking in. I generally do not enjoy being in fitness centers, and my inner criticism constantly tries to tell me that I don't belong there, I look ugly, nothing I do will matter, why am I even trying...etc. It was a struggle not to turn around and go home, tail tucked between my legs.
I pushed forward, however, despite the ever-present threat of tears (I even shed a few). I kept telling myself that old saying, "A year from now, you will have wished you started today." I decided that this is that day; day 1 of me fighting back.
I pushed through the anxiety and self-doubt and got on the elliptical. I was still experiencing inner resistance as I set the "fat burner" setting and began the workout, and even as I was putting on my favorite workout music which normally inspires my imagination enough to take me away. The threat of tears was still close, but I pushed forward.
I followed through my bare minimum workout. I did not dare be happy with myself, but I was not disappointed, and that's a new tightrope I am now walking. I strive not to be disappointed with myself.
I aim to blog every day, even if it's just a little bit. I need to be working out regularly, and I need to be writing every day. I believe that if I remain consistent with these two things, this will aid my mental health enough to do what needs to be done to get to a good baseline. Right now, I am barely able to tread water, and I often nearly drown under violent waves of depression lows and anxiety attacks. I am barely functional and I would like to live my life rather than just survive it.
I need to leave for work soon, and I accomplished a small list of tasks this morning. This is a good start to my intention to fight for every day instead of being buried under the self-feeding burden of this ridiculous depression.
Thank you for reading, and I hope that this served to encourage you in some way. <3
I went to the gym this morning for the first time in months. It was unpleasant even walking in. I generally do not enjoy being in fitness centers, and my inner criticism constantly tries to tell me that I don't belong there, I look ugly, nothing I do will matter, why am I even trying...etc. It was a struggle not to turn around and go home, tail tucked between my legs.
I pushed forward, however, despite the ever-present threat of tears (I even shed a few). I kept telling myself that old saying, "A year from now, you will have wished you started today." I decided that this is that day; day 1 of me fighting back.
I pushed through the anxiety and self-doubt and got on the elliptical. I was still experiencing inner resistance as I set the "fat burner" setting and began the workout, and even as I was putting on my favorite workout music which normally inspires my imagination enough to take me away. The threat of tears was still close, but I pushed forward.
I followed through my bare minimum workout. I did not dare be happy with myself, but I was not disappointed, and that's a new tightrope I am now walking. I strive not to be disappointed with myself.
I aim to blog every day, even if it's just a little bit. I need to be working out regularly, and I need to be writing every day. I believe that if I remain consistent with these two things, this will aid my mental health enough to do what needs to be done to get to a good baseline. Right now, I am barely able to tread water, and I often nearly drown under violent waves of depression lows and anxiety attacks. I am barely functional and I would like to live my life rather than just survive it.
I need to leave for work soon, and I accomplished a small list of tasks this morning. This is a good start to my intention to fight for every day instead of being buried under the self-feeding burden of this ridiculous depression.
Thank you for reading, and I hope that this served to encourage you in some way. <3
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