For What It's Worth

It's been a long time since I felt the need to truly "rant an awkward emotion," as I originally intended for this blog. That in itself is a mixed bag, but, hey, I'm feeling some things right now that I really don't like, so I'm going to try to get it all out.
I'm incredibly creative, and I always have been. It's the basis of my perception and it's more than interwoven into the nature of my being; it is the nature of my being. My favorite thing to do with other humans is to collaborate creatively, some way. It doesn't always come off that way, because I can also be very private and nervous about sharing my ideas, aspirations, and projects. Sometimes it's more comfortable for me to listen, enjoy, and encourage.
I also have abandonment issues. I don't really know what from; my parents are still together and they never left me, so I don't know. Maybe there's a memory that has yet to be uncovered. I have a very aggressive anxiety about being left - whether it's left out, left alone, or simply not thought of. There have been many times in my life wherein my feelings were deeply hurt because I was left out of something.
Is it narcissism? Is it, a "ME, ME, ME!" egocentric attitude? On some level, I've always assumed so, and as soon as I became self-aware of such things, I tried to stuff that crap down and either deal with the underlying issue or cope with the "abandonment" with solitary hobbies. On the one hand, developing solitary hobbies really made me grow and gave me joy. On the other hand, because engaging in those solitary activities was just the superficial coping with feeling left out, some cherished memories of the high points of those hobbies/activities are forever interlaced with the poisonous feeling of hurt and loneliness. It's difficult not to be bitter when recalling those moments, but most of the time I use a combination of exposure therapy and focusing on the good parts of those moments.
That said, I've done plenty of work on my personality to both communicate that I want to spend time with other humans, and to accept when other humans choose not to spend time with me.
THAT said, it still really freaking hurts when people who have known me for a while and know me well, do things with other people that they should know that I would love to do! IT REALLY FREAKING HURTS!
There are some things in my past that I've been able to let go of, but there are also things in my past that still hurt (and admittedly I prod at them from time to time just to see if they still sting) as freshly as if they just happened. And there are new things every day that I must process into my process.
It's difficult not to be angry with myself for not being more accessible, friendly, outgoing, engaging, etc, until I'm angry with everything that makes me unique, and then why bother? The truth is that I like me. I like that I'm not a sunflower blossom all the time and I can be randomly cranky. Some of the people I have loved most dearly in my life have been randomly cranky and salty and I felt honored to be in the inner circle enough to be grouched at. I mean, you have to be really confident about someone's place in your life to be grouchy with them and then not be endlessly apologetic about it.
"Why didn't you ask me to be involved?"
"Why didn't you listen to me when I was the one that gave you that piece of advice?"
"Why didn't you want to do that with me?"
"Why doesn't anyone ever feel the need to publicly lift me up on social media?"
"Why do other women inspire such passion in their men and I don't?"

"Why do I care?" becomes the question. I don't want to become entirely apathetic, but apathy has been a friend to me in situations where the answers to these painful questions just land in self-pity, and self-pity is the quagmire of the devil. The more we're feeling sorry for ourselves, the less we're feeling for God and for each other.
I still really wish that I could inspire creative epiphanies, and that someone would love me enough to declare it publicly and would do anything to intertwine our lives.
I really, really, really HATE being stuck where I am. I'm nobody. I'm unremarkable. I'm outshined by women who are everything I wish I could be but are ultimately terrible girlfriends. I do my best and it is frequently not enough.
Yikes. This rant isn't purging. It's backwashing and causing me to dwell on these feelings instead of cycling them out. Ugh. I feel sort of worse than when I started out, BUT I'm going to end this blog post and flush out what I can.
That's what this blog is for, and I'm embracing it. We should all rant our awkward emotions, and we should all rave our uplifting moments. For what it's worth, I like me, and I can appreciate being backstage instead of in the spotlight, but I do need some sunlight sometimes. Everyone needs their vitamin D.