A Declaration and...then what?

I started this blog with the intention of full self-disclosure. I intended to vent about things in my life that cause unpleasant feelings, those feelings, my reactions to those feelings, and people's reactions to my reactions; with the hopes of both helping to cycle the feelings out through the act of expression and to chronicle possible patterns that might help to identify triggers.

I wanted to be able to write about things in the moment, while I was feeling a certain way, and then go back and read it over after the feelings pass.

They do pass. It's something I constantly have to tell myself. The feelings do pass.

Today I got caught up reading articles with tips on how to do things. It began because I had googled "how to be a good girlfriend without being a doormat." Pretty soon, I was reading articles on how to be more likable and approachable and how to better enjoy life. I read A LOT of these things today. My biggest takeaway from the experience? One key element throughout all of this advice was honesty - something in which I deeply believe.

I'm not always honest with myself, though. 

I recently finally began seeing a counselor. One of the goals that I set for my counseling was an end to, or at least a decrease in negative self-talk. I'm very hard on myself. I'm extremely mean to myself. If I said some of the things I say to myself, to another human being, I'd be considered psychotically mean.

In this blog, I vented about things in the moment. I was focused on emotional survival, doing what I can to make it to the next day. I feel that, at this point, I've been emotionally surviving enough to take things to the next step; emotionally living.

I don't want to just survive anymore. I want to live - and I mean that concerning my whole life, as well; not just my emotional state.

I lie to myself constantly about what I can and cannot do. It's the worst emotionally abusive relationship imaginable, because I can't leave me. I can't break up with me. I can't cut me out of my life. I have to be the one to change - to like myself and then be nice to myself. 

I think the first step in liking myself enough to be nice to myself is to first be completely honest with myself.

The following is an admission by me with my usual inner dialogue.

Me: I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Dismissive Inner Voice: Why? Your life is great! You have a college degree. You have a working car. You have a job that pays well enough and offers enough job security for you to support yourself. You have your own apartment. You have a boyfriend who constantly tells you that he loves you. You have parents who love you and help you whenever you need it. You have friends who care about you.

Me: I'm not anywhere close to having my student loans paid off. I have a car payment I didn't have before. My job doesn't pay nearly as well as my last one, I don't feel nearly as stimulated by it, and I don't have any friends at this job; nor is there potential for any, since it's such a small company. My apartment is owned by and above my boyfriend's brother, an entanglement I was trying to avoid. My boyfriend doesn't validate me the way I need him to, he makes me feel insecure and inadequate, and he behaves selfishly. My parents' love has caused me to feel constant guilt for not the daughter they deserve, and they are geographically not as close as I would like. (even just typing all of this out is giving me a lump in my throat) My "friends" are not nearly as active in my life as they used to be and as I need them to be.

Dismissive Inner Voice: It's more than a lot of people may have.

Mean Inner Voice: You're stupid for not having handled things in your life better. It's your own fault that things are the way they are.

That was extremely gently for the way my mind works.
I was honest with myself. Now what? Well, life is not just a road you walk down, as most people would have you believe. Life is more like a treadmill in that, you have no choice but to keep moving. I have to keep moving forward. I need to stop lying to myself, and then I need to stop beating myself up about the truth.
So? I hate my life right now. So? I'll work to improve it at the same time I'm improving how I treat myself.