This morning was better than yesterday morning. I didn't cry inconsolably and I didn't want to die. However, instead of immediately feeling horrible, I was first lulled into the tease of a feeling of zen, only to have anxious thoughts and feelings creep upon me as the morning progressed. I'm doing my best not to let the feelings grab me and get a foothold, but it's difficult. The weather doesn't help. It seems like it's been cloudy and overcast forever and the sun will never come back out.
Yesterday I did some reading on ASAD (adult separation anxiety disorder) because I have suspected for some time that I struggle with this, and have for a long time. One of the most prominent memories of my childhood is crippling fear...of nothing. I would feel fear all the time for absolutely no reason. With retrospection, I now realize what I was feeling was generalized anxiety. On top of these moments, I felt like the world was ending if my mom wasn't home. For a short time, she was a stay at home mom and me and my brother's entire world. Our dad worked a lot. He was gone in the morning before we woke up and wasn't home until after we were in bed. We didn't have extended family close by.
I'm going to skip the Freudian trail of why I felt the way I did. The bottom line is that I now believe that I experienced very intense separation anxiety from my mother as a child (seemingly selective since I mostly loved going to school and slumber parties and I generally socialized quite well).
This retro-quasi-diagnosis is frustrating because of the inconsistent nature of these feelings.
Fast-forward years later, and I seem to have formed a similar type of overly dependent attachment to some boyfriends. I realized this feeling in a relationship or two in my past and pulled myself away from the feeling, detaching myself. I didn't want to feel like I needed to have my boyfriend around to feel normal and not anxious. I didn't want to be clingy. I wanted to be able to enjoy my time with him; live in the moment, without just surviving until a time when we would be living together and he would just be there all the time. That's insane...but...that's how I felt. It was terrifying, frustrating, and it hurt other parts of my life.
I thought that I had strengthened myself against this danger. I had worked on my self-esteem and self-worth. I had worked on my hobbies. I had invested more time and effort in my friendships. I spent more time outside of my home. I set boundaries for myself which would prevent this overly-attached behavior.
I was apparently wrong to think that this struggle was behind me.
My boyfriend, my wonderful boyfriend, might be the latest subject of an unhealthy attachment. In a lot of ways, this relationship is new territory for me. It is a good, respectful, trusting, and generally healthy relationship. We have a lot in common, but we also have plenty of differences. We enjoy deep conversations and we both laugh at stupid things. We both enjoy physical affection (we're always touching in some way). In the past, I may have had the physical affection I wanted but without a good emotional and intellectual connection or vice versa, or I've had a bit of both without the quirky, dry sense of humor I prefer. This relationship covers all these bases. Why, then, have I become consumed with insecurity?
Am I waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me? We've spent a lot of time together. We've been together now for well over a year. It's not my longest relationship, but our time spent together combined is now well beyond my longest relationship. Having never spent so much time with a boyfriend without becoming bored of or annoyed by him, I suspect that means we have a good connection.
It's almost like can't get enough of him. It's terrifying to me how much I love and admire him. I often find myself wondering if I should end things because I can't seem to reconcile my feelings with logic.
All this week I have felt deeply depressed and even physically ill, almost like I'm going through withdrawal.
I know this also has to do with the weather. It's been overcast and cold for a couple weeks. I need warmth and sunlight.
My struggles are like these clouds, forever blocking the sunlight of a beautiful life.
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