Another Day

This morning started with completely hopeless sadness. All I could do was cry.

What is wrong with me??? What am I so afraid of??? Why do I feel so empty???

I cried as I forced myself out of bed and into the shower. I cried in the shower. I dreaded the constant distracted switch between inspired and boredom at work. I dreaded the heavy barrage of ideas that I would have throughout the day, only to do none of those things once I finally get home. I dreaded coming home to the mess of my apartment.

I dread coming home to no one but my cat.

I dread missing everyone in my life and feeling guilty for being so far from everyone in my life. I've been feeling like I want to just die. I'm so useless and I contribute so little. I'm just a drain on everyone around me. All I do is feel guilty about the things I've done, the things I haven't done, and who I'm not. I feel guilty about being me and not being someone else. Why??? This guilt is killing me.

Why can't I just accept and love who I am???

I love my boyfriend. I love being with him. I hate how small he makes me feel. No, that's not fair. He doesn't MAKE me feel small. That verbiage implies that this not only comes from him, but that he intends it. That's inaccurate and unfair. The feeling comes from me. I feel small because of how I feel about him. This may sound cynical, but at times it seems he is surrounded by worshiping sycophants. It's more than a little unnerving just how much people love him. Am I jealous? Honestly? Not really. I generally don't care about what people think of me, unless they mean something to me or someone I love. It's unnerving because it constantly drives home the fact that I don't deserve him and I have no idea why he even wants me. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not thin enough. My boobs aren't big enough. I'm not cool enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not warm and friendly enough. I'm not witty enough. All of these things, all of these criticisms course through me like the searing burning of a high fever every time I'm around him and his friends. THAT'S NOT NORMAL OR EVEN CLOSE TO OK.
I fear not being enough for him. I fear not being good enough to keep him wanting to be with me. I fear not being enough to inspire him.
I've beat myself up over things all my life, but I find that I've been doing it, like a thousand times more and worse since I've been with him - because I feel unworthy.

We went to a college graduation the other day - a mutual friend was getting her degree. One of the speakers was a woman receiving an honorary degree; a Dr. Rabbi Rebecca Dubowe. She's the first deaf woman to become a rabbi in this country. She was an amazing speaker, despite being deaf. Having read in the program that she was deaf, I anticipated the slightly muffled and odd speaking which is typical of the deaf. Rather than feeling slightly embarrassed for her, however, I found her "accent" endearing and even inspiring. The speech itself was also deeply inspiring. Probably my favorite part was her saying, "You are good enough." Hearing her say that, as simple a statement as it was, felt good. I've been trying to say that to myself.

I wish I could banish these thoughts that I'm a piece of crap who doesn't deserve anything. These thoughts not only haunt me in quiet moments, but they are now seeping into my happy moments, tainting the happiness and dragging me down into my dark abyss no matter where I am or who I'm with.

It's occurred to me that I wouldn't feel so useless if I did some volunteer work. I've been researching opportunities near me, but there's still the issue of anxiety, ADHD, and my seeming inability to follow through on commitments. I should clarify that I don't have an INABILITY to follow through. I make a choice to cancel on plans. Usually the impending event causes anxiety that I can only really quell by cancelling and staying home.

This is another day, a day I wish I didn't begin by immediately regretting waking up. I wish that I could cherish life instead of ruing it. I wish I could just flip  a switch in my head and stop feeling infinitely sorrowful.