Today.

Today is a new day.

The sun is out. It's not freezing. It even smells like Spring now.

My spirits should be lifting and I should be feeling like I've come back to myself.

Instead, I'm blogging while at work, avoiding my work because words are coming to me and they haven't done that in a long time. I find myself in a dangerous mindset at work. I'm disappointed in myself for a lot of things and that disappointment is leading into hopeless self-doubt and now I'm starting to make mistakes I didn't make before. It's a good job, but it's boring. The boredom is dangerous for me.

I finally went to a psychiatrist and got that ADHD diagnosis. Big whoop. I've known that's what my problem was since the last couple years of college. Now that I'm in my late twenties, though, it's gotten more difficult to reign in. Why? I have no direction in my life. It's not that I don't have things I want to do. It's actually the opposite. I have too many things that I want to do. It's overwhelming.

The main thing, though, the MAIN THING I want? A clean, organized, cozy, safe haven home. Instead? All the dust. Cat litter tracked everywhere. Stuff everywhere. Clothes all over the place. ALL THE THINGS. I have so much resistance to get motivated to clean and maintain the cleanliness. WHY?? More often than not, I find it challenging to do ANYTHING, including reading a book or playing a freaking video game. It takes everything just to get up and go to work every day. Not to mention, I hate living by myself and I can't stand the quiet of having no one there most of the time.

I've become something I feared. I've lost a chunk of myself. I've lost my joy. I've lost my hope. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into depression and anxiety and it's terrifying. No matter how emotionally paralyzed I felt in my life, I never used to even entertain the consideration of suicide. Now? Lately, all I seem to think about is how I would like to just stop existing.

I got a job. I got my own place. Why can't my head and emotions just be good now?

I should turn to God, right? I should put my faith and trust in Him, right? I still believe He exists. I still believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I haven't really prayed in a long time, and when I really think about it, I'm not sure I ever even really had a deep, meditative prayer. Why not? Mainly because I could never clear my head enough to meditate.

It's taking everything I can muster not to be a total basket case and drive away my boyfriend.

Today is a new day, but yesterday isn't finished with me.