Those Stupid Feelings...

Here it is, Friday. I've made it through this week of downs. I've worked hard to dodge the pitfalls of negative thinking and to pull myself out of the pitfalls of negative thinking that I did fall into. This weekend has already hurt my feelings a lot, but I will turn it around.

Tomorrow, there is a concert happening for which I bought two tickets. A local band I enjoy and whose singer I have befriended landed a spot opening up for a couple of higher profile bands. When I learned of this, I immediately purchased two tickets, intending to go with my boyfriend, who also enjoys these bands.
Unfortunately, it turns out that the concert is on the same day as Boyfriend's cousin's wedding. Also, he was invited to his cousin's wedding, but there was no guest spot. That's right. I can't go to a wedding with my boyfriend of over a year. Hey, weddings are expensive and I understand that. I can understand wanting to have a smallish wedding and trimming the fat by just inviting cousins instead of cousins and all their girlfriends/boyfriends/FWB/1NS/awkward first dates/what have you. I can understand that. It's a lot less mouths to feed and that counts when dealing with event catering.
I can understand this practical decision until the cows come home, but my feelings are still deeply hurt that I won't be able to enjoy the celebrating with my boyfriend. He rarely dresses up and dances, and I won't be able to be there this on this occasion.
To make things worse, I now have to find someone to accompany me to this concert. I have been asking people for weeks and to no avail. I have no problem going by myself, but I really hate driving home, late at night for over forty-five minutes. When I get tired, I can't stop myself from falling asleep, and I've fallen asleep at the wheel in the past. It's terrifying and wildly unsafe.

Not only do I have no friends to accompany me to this concert, a fact which is strongly swaying me not to attend, but my boyfriend is going to a wedding without me. Aaaaaand those things hurt a lot. I'm trying to let the hurt go. I'm trying to let it pass over me, because I can't change the situation, but THESE STUPID FEELINGS KEEP HURTING MY INSIDES. I've felt on the brink of tears pretty much constantly all this week.

I don't think he'll even miss me at the wedding. He'll be able to have fun without me, because he's a normal person. I wish I was a normal person. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I could make this stupid feeling of hurting go away.

Hey, I signed up for Meetup. There's a writer thing happening tomorrow morning that I could easily attend. Will I do it? I might. I'm also looking for a local band who needs a singer. I've taken singing lessons, I have a decent voice, and I've wanted to be in a band for a long time. I'm going to tape an audition video and start practicing. This could be one of those crazy inspired ideas I have that will fizzle out because I immediately start in on myself about how much I suck. I'm trying hard not to do that. It's difficult. I've literally been hating myself and hating on myself my entire life.

I'm slowly rebuilding the semblance of having my own life, but I would like to feel important to someone's life.
I. AM. PATHETIC. THIS IS ALL VERY PATHETIC.

Is wanting to just curl up and die a suicidal ideation? Spell correct seems to think that ideation isn't a word, but I've read it in several published psychological articles.