Day 3

I am feeling a slump in this already. It may be the usual morning feeling of discouragement, but it probably has more to do with the fact that this is my day off, and so things will be even more unstructured.

Now I am facing inner resistance to even writing this, but I'm not letting that win.

Between being frustrated at myself for falling asleep last night before performing my bedtime routine of removing my contact lenses, taking a vitamin supplement, brushing my teeth, washing my face, and applying moisturizer, and waking up later than I wanted to, I was immediately frustrated and found myself in a particularly heavy quagmire of whatever it is that I always seem to have to push through to do anything.

After a late breakfast, it was almost noon and I hadn't even changed out of my pajamas. Physically, I did not feel well, but generally that's how I normally feel in the morning. That's one of my daily obstacles. I suspect that it has to do with not getting enough exercise combined with not eating healthy enough. There's also the clinical depression element. I know that when I was on anti-depressants, it was far easier to wake up in the mornings and get going. I look forward to that once I can connect with a psychiatrist.

I allowed myself a nap, as I was stuck. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to put on gym clothes, go work out, then get home, shower, and tackle my to-do list, OR take a shower, tackle my to-do list, and possibly accomplish more with the extra hour or so that I would save by skipping the gym. The later in the day it got, the more frustrated and stuck I became, so I curled up and took a nap. I wasn't happy about it, but I'm not big on naps, so I generally feel that if my body wants a nap then it's telling me that it needs more rest. I'm trying to listen to my body. It was about an hour and a half, after which I just gave in and went right to the shower.
Again, I was not thrilled about skipping the gym, but I didn't beat myself up about it. I still consider this to be progress.

Though I finally got myself into the shower and dressed, ready for the day, and I was still slow to get to my list.
Ultimately, I accomplished a few things, but not everything. That is par for the course.

Positives for today are the following:

• I didn't slip into a negative mind frame and negative self-talk.
• I got a shower and got dressed (for a day off when I didn't need to go anywhere, this is a positive).
• I accomplished a few tasks that I set out to accomplish.
• I was able to smile at somethings and appreciate things.

Today, I also received in the mail an early birthday gift from a friend to whom I had confided that I sadly would probably not have a celebration this year, though I will be thirty and I had hoped to throw a big party. The gift was a CD that I enjoy very much. That was a huge boost.

While I was out, I witnessed the late twilight transition into a cloudy night, and the clouds turned dark in the distance as a storm gathered. It was beautiful, and then there were beautiful strands of lightning. These things hold me in the moment.

In this journey of living each day mindfully to push against the present habit of employing unhealthy short term measures to survive through foggy and agonizing weeks, I am hopeful.

That's it for today's reflection.

Thanks for reading an admittedly dry entry in this blog. I hope this served to encourage you, if only just a little.