Day 2 of this Ongoingness

This is day 2 of my personal journey of fighting back, standing up to my bullying struggles, and I had a fallback.

I didn't go to the gym this morning. I woke up later than I wanted to, and I was feeling headachey, which are two things that slow me down - a dual dosage of disappointment and defeat. I didn't intend the alliteration there, but it's done, and it was entertaining. I'll take it.

I prayed my daily prayer for strength and wisdom, and even as I thought the plea for help to keep this up, I accepted the idea that God might lead my day toward something that would aid His plan and it might not align with mine, and layered upon that acceptance was a prayer for the humility to align my goals with His desires. It was a multi-tiered prayer that took seconds.

I also didn't get the moderately healthy breakfast that I have been enjoying lately. These things threw off my already precarious "morning routine." I've always had difficulty getting going in the morning - actually it's generally been difficulty for me to get going doing anything. I don't know whether it's the ADHD, the anxiety, the depression, or what, but it's in the top five most frustrating things about me.

Anyway, I faced intense resistance to going to the gym today. I was faced with that same incredibly negative inner voice, and the memory of how difficult it was yesterday. I considered pushing forward, but work was trying last night and I suspected that it would be at least as trying tonight, if not worse, so I chose to preserve my emotional/psychological stamina, as it were.

Here's a question; does avoiding things actually preserve that stamina, or does it deplete it? The human body requires exercise to build up stamina; is the mind the same way? I suspect that it might be, and that in the short term, though it might feel better to avoid a difficult event to endure a more difficult event, in the long term my endurance will shrink and I will eventually not be able to function.
Please feel free to offer insight on this.

Normally, I would beat myself up over failing to live up to my own goals and mandate, but I let go. I set out to exercise and write every day, and I am still writing. Also, I would usually beat myself up about something like this so bad that I would sort of collapse in on myself and make it that much more difficult to accomplish anything else, but I chose to keep moving forward. It feels very good not to hate myself over this.
If this endeavor of mine can be likened to a war on two fronts, then I can say I have stalemated in a battle on one front, but on the other front I am advancing. Even this simple, "bare minimum" journaling is serving to build up my self esteem and - dare I say it? - joy.

Full self-disclosure time!
Writing has always been intimately and inexorably tied to my joy and basic ability to enjoy life. I never really had to "exercise" this skill when I was going through school because that always required writing essays and such, and through that conduit flowed enough inspiration to keep me writing plenty of my fantastical imaginings, and those things make my life worth it - as outlandish as that sounds. I didn't consider that this important outlet boosted my coping skills and sense of self.
After I graduated college, however, I no longer needed to write as much. I was writing cover letters for job applications here and there, but nothing as stimulating and exciting as before. My fiction writing suffered. I began to notice that I generally do better if I'm working on a project. However, journaling and any other writing about myself was usually overwhelming and/or would make me feel angry and embarrassed. That's why this blog is a win for me. It's forcing me to write, reflect, and get those juices flowing.
Though many things in me and my life can feel bad, this feels good.
This is my blog balm.

Thanks for reading, and I hope this served to encourage you in some way.