Day 1 of the Groove

Here goes another attempt to keep myself positive and on track with self-care and the rest of the things in my life.

I went to the gym this morning for the first time in months. It was unpleasant even walking in. I generally do not enjoy being in fitness centers, and my inner criticism constantly tries to tell me that I don't belong there, I look ugly, nothing I do will matter, why am I even trying...etc. It was a struggle not to turn around and go home, tail tucked between my legs.

I pushed forward, however, despite the ever-present threat of tears (I even shed a few). I kept telling myself that old saying, "A year from now, you will have wished you started today." I decided that this is that day; day 1 of me fighting back.
I pushed through the anxiety and self-doubt and got on the elliptical. I was still experiencing inner resistance as I set the "fat burner" setting and began the workout, and even as I was putting on my favorite workout music which normally inspires my imagination enough to take me away. The threat of tears was still close, but I pushed forward.

I followed through my bare minimum workout. I did not dare be happy with myself, but I was not disappointed, and that's a new tightrope I am now walking. I strive not to be disappointed with myself.

I aim to blog every day, even if it's just a little bit. I need to be working out regularly, and I need to be writing every day. I believe that if I remain consistent with these two things, this will aid my mental health enough to do what needs to be done to get to a good baseline. Right now, I am barely able to tread water, and I often nearly drown under violent waves of depression lows and anxiety attacks. I am barely functional and I would like to live my life rather than just survive it.

I need to leave for work soon, and I accomplished a small list of tasks this morning. This is a good start to my intention to fight for every day instead of being buried under the self-feeding burden of this ridiculous depression.

Thank you for reading, and I hope that this served to encourage you in some way. <3