I have struggled all my life with impulse control. I have always been quite impulsive, and it's been a great triumph to have gotten where I am in this fight.
I still lose some battles.
I eat things impulsively.
I buy things impulsively.
These are my two greatest battles in my war for impulse control.
I have recently experienced a major loss in this war. There are many variables in this, but I believe the most prominent may be my age. As I approached the age of thirty, I faced my fear and shame of not having/being most of things I had planned to by now. After my hurtful disappointment of a birthday, I was able to let go and accept things for what they are (while still maintaining minimal motivation for improvement).
However.
I got a little carried away with spending at Christmas. I let it happen because choosing, buying/making, wrapping, and giving presents makes me ridiculously happy at Christmas, and it was the first Christmas in a few years that I wasn't stressed out and horribly depressed because of work. After Christmas, I treated myself, and it kept going for a bit. One day I had an internal intervention and put my foot down because my spending got out of control and I was back to living paycheck to paycheck.
I have also been letting myself indulge in some moderately unhealthy eating, choosing to let some things go rather than feel shame and disappointment. This was in the name of emotional self-care, but my physical self-care is now suffering.
It feels good to indulge. Denying that just creates more problems. Like muscles, though, resistance to impulses atrophies without exercise. Right now, it feels better to indulge than to resist. I'm back on track to being good, though, and soon it will feel better to resist than to indulge. I look forward to that. With time I know that I get wiser and stronger, and though I do have some regressions and setbacks, they get less dramatic as time goes on.
God created me as I am, and there is purpose to my design. Having faith in Him and in that strengthens my resolve to refine my inner ore.
Thanks for reading.
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