I finally connected with a psychiatrist, and have been on anti-depressants for the past few months. It hasn't been a cure-all, but it has helped me to cope with things and feel more like myself.
I specifically chose this psychiatrist because she has a specialty in ADHD, and she does testing. At my most recent appointment, I took the test, and I was diagnosed with ADHD. At 30, this is no surprise, and bittersweet.
It explains a few things about my struggles with attention span, sitting still, impatience, impulse control, emotional regulation, to name a few things. Understanding myself is an important step in improvement, but I feel so sad and angry.
I feel that I missed out and/or screwed up so much in my life simply because I did not have the tools I needed. As I type this, I am crying necessary cathartic tears. I try so hard not to dwell on my mistakes and instead to look forward and do what I can to make good on the hard-learned lessons so that they are not in vain. However, it is very difficult not to regret certain things and wish for the impossible, such as going back in time and stopping myself from being so stupid. Yes, after almost four years, I am still very angry at myself for losing the best job I ever had (and likely will ever have). I have been told that I must forgive myself and move on, but I honestly have no idea how to do this without fixing this mistake, and I have yet to do this.
I have an idea of what I must do.
I have the gift of stubborn determination. Once I decide to do something, to set myself on a course, it will get done. Once I have realized a significant facet of my situation, I cannot go on as I once did. You cannot unknow things. Like a hangnail in my mind, it annoys and demands attention and resolution. Like a hangnail, these things are usually not solved with one action alone, and they are not solved without pain.
I have been in a relationship with someone who claims that he loves me, yet remains indifferent to the idea of marriage. This is ringing incessantly in my mind as incorrect. It seems that it would be a mistake to continue on in this relationship. There is something within me insisting that I deserve more, though this is the best and healthiest relationship I have ever had. The fear that I risk behaving in an ungrateful manner does not reconcile with my doubts. I can't help but believe that I wouldn't feel this way if he were a professing Christian, but that will not happen without my own transformation. I have been and remain a sadly lukewarm Christian, hesitant to be convicted to make difficult changes in my life to solidify my allegiance to Christ and turn my back on the world. One foot in the door, I speak with wisdom I do not act on. It is cowardly and hypocritical.
Other obstacles are things I fear about myself. I fear being single and doing things impulsively because of my struggle with lust. I fear the euphoria of falling in love again. I know that it is within me to love someone else, but I fear not the euphoric feeling of a new relationship itself, but and the possible poor judgement that goes along with it. It's honestly more scary than the thought of being single for the rest of my life.
My imagination is both my greatest gift and my worst enemy. Both being aware that nothing in life could live up to my fantasies and being able to harness these fantasies into writing have helped me to reign it into something less detrimental to goal building and more productive to something that emotionally sustains me in a way nothing else can.
My imagination has aided me greatly in my problem-solving skills. Where there is an issue, I am able to imagine how to solve the problem. This is beneficial. When I have a problem in a relationship, my imagination goes on autopilot to imagine my way out of it. This is not always beneficial, because, as I mentioned before, my life will not live up to my fantasies. Being honest with myself and realistic with expectations (or having none at all) has been instrumental in keeping my feet on the ground.
Some of this thinking was brought on by a feeling of inadequacy, which is a familiar feeling. I have gotten better at accepting myself as I am, but in weak moments brought on by comparison or frustration, I bitterly wish that I could be better and I lament the time I wasted on poor judgement.
This has been scattered and not at all tied up. Thank you for reading.
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