Pain and Fear

     Once again, I find myself awakened to a bitter reality from a lovely dream. All at once I faced all of my fears the dream represented while mourning its fiction, and I feel that I may collapse into myself with the pain of it.

    Recently, after spending too much time being complacent and drowning in self-sabotage, I pulled myself out of the pit once again, facing the fact that my relationship is going nowhere and in fact hurts my feelings. For the past three (maybe even four) years, doing this demanded action, and when I faltered I would punish myself with extremely unhealthy coping actions which included binge-eating junk food and escaping into escapist sedentary hobbies. This combined with the frustration and anger surrounding the world's reaction to COVID-19 doubled the depression and created an especially deep and dark pit. I have been successfully pulling myself out nonetheless, facing doubts, fears, negative self-talk instead of falling back into comfortable addictions to silence them. Once again, I told my boyfriend my feelings about our relationship, and to my immense relief (and admittedly, to my shame), he was emotionless in the revelation and suggested a break. It's almost ridiculous in its inaction, since we haven't been intimate in a very long time - however, I shoved down the smug nature of that particular self-talk and turned it into a victory. It is progress; a step forward.

    Finally, I have money saved up to move out. Finally, I have enough money to live by myself. Finally, I have begun the break-up that is necessary to re-boot my life. In six months, the lease is up, and it seems like I'm waiting forever. Finally, I have the emotional freedom to pursue a new romance, if the situation presents itself. This is exciting and scary. It's scary because of something I am facing once again this morning - the intense and paralytic fear of actually being happy combined with the desperate desire for it. I have not been truly happy for so long.

    Last night I had a dream that seemed so realistic. It had no random and whimsical elements to give it away and anything out of the ordinary was logically explained. It seemed so real. This dream involved a new romance with someone I previously had a bit of a crush on. In this dream, just the flirtation gave me the added strength to formally end things with my boyfriend and give me the boost for a fresh beginning - even though nothing may happen with this person. I would rather be single and empowered than trapped in perpetual stagnation and sadness. The romance did blossom, however, demonstrated in a passionate kiss which further obliterated any cloudiness or indications that I was only dreaming. He revealed that he'd had feelings for me for a long time. The old doubts were present - though I did not voice them -  that he couldn't possibly have had such feelings for me; he was too clever and attractive. We worked together, and I looked forward to seeing him on the occasions when our shifts lined up. Despite my efforts to the contrary, my now ex-boyfriend found out that I was pseudo-involved with someone and became bitter towards me because of this. I didn't let this dissuade me or make me feel guilty. This was an added triumph. I was able to banish the doubts that I was actually worthy of someone's pursuit. I felt so good. I felt like I'd finally made it out of the pit.

    When I awoke, I felt as if I had been away for some time. As I became re-oriented with what I realized was reality, a familiar regret and sadness washed over me. All at once I was faced with the fear that the situation from my dream may never happen and that I have neither the attractiveness or youth to inspire such interest from such a person. Usually this fear, in a muted form, is always with me, but this morning it is vivid and cruel.

    In this moment of visceral pain and fear is still triumph. I cannot be dissuaded from my path to light into the old ways by this torture. I cannot be stunted in my growth by looming mortality. I will forge ahead, and if I spend the rest of my life never feeling the sunny warmth of and excitement of a man's love ever again, at least I will have succeeded in honoring the temple that is my body, and the God who created it.